i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
