Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
