dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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