Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
