I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
