Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
