The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
