Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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