hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
