Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
