I think I won the penis lottery.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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