In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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