it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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