stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
