When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Randomize
