Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
