I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize