apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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