ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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