If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
