at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
