12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
