I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
