He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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