my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
