so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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