My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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