genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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