I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
