Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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