Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He better not be in your backpack
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
