There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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