fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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