What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize