dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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