matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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