I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize