I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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