1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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