i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize