A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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