Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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