I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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