mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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