I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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