two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
