I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
