you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
