hotel room ftw
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
