he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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