i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You ruined the universe
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
