I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
