I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
