Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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