I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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