please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Come on in and take your pants off
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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