I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
