I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
