Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
