do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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