if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
